Rather than gratuitously regurgitate the celebrity breakups, I’ve attempted to derive a series of lessons learned that you can totally own as your relationship.
Watch out for the nanny
If you hadn’t already learned from this way back in the Jude Law days, 2015 was the year to beat that lesson into you. No matter how famous you are, no matter how trim, toned and fantastic you are, NEVER hire a nanny that could be remotely considered to be in your same demographic, let alone your same league. What you want is Marta from Sex and The City, an ageing nana figure with clunky sensible shoes, the stoutest of body shapes and a scrupulously conservative set of principles.
What you don’t want:
- If you are Gwen Stefani, having already weathered rumours of your husband cavorting with someone somewhat transgender, is a hot, blonde, aviator-wearing, younger version of yourself who has already conveniently bonded with your children.
- If you are Jennifer Garner you do not want a decade-younger social-media-hungry wannabe with a surname that totally rhymes with Kardashian. Early warning sign? Husband takes nanny to Vegas – that renowned kid-friendly destination.
Beware conflicting schedules
Any time that celebs have been able to keep #nannygate out of the news or moved on quietly without obviously pre-road-testing a successor, ‘conflicting schedules’ and ‘time spent apart’ is to blame. For the regulars amongst us, this translates to accepting the inherent limitations of long-distance relationships and vastly incongruent work schedules.
This was said to be the undoing of
- Charlize Theron and Sean Penn (who she allegedly ditched with great simplicity via the new phenomenon of ghosting)
- Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman (although I defy you to name what either are famous for)
- Linday Vonn and Tiger Woods. (given his form, leaving him unattended for a millisecond due to conflicting schedules would be a red-hot risk).
Do not have hectic schedules people.
Have some dignity post-breakup
Aside from the inherent disparity of a red-hot Megan Fox dating a last-seen-onscreen-in-90210 (the FIRST time around) Brian Austin Green, this duo persisted through two children, Transformers and Megan rocking the sharpest set of cheekbones since Angelina Jolie.
Following this year’s split, this avid pursuer of Tori Spelling’s virginity in 90210 sued his ex for spousal support on the basis of his chronic vertigo.
Dude – heartbreak vodka WILL make you dizzy. Just stop it, don’t press for cash.
Keep a watching brief on your social media accounts
Unless you have secret urge to emulate the twerk, the only learning from Miley Cyrus in years gone by is the satisfaction that comes from being the first to unfollow. After her shock split with Liam Hemsworth in 2013, she was the first to digitally bail, with him reacting three days later.
In 2015 Big Bang Theory Kaley Cuoco nailed her Miley apprenticeship by nuking every last pic of her husband Ryan Sweeting from all social media with an air of ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning.’
Learn from the Kardashians
Although none of us expect our life-skills to come from the Kardashians, their hard-earned lessons (softened by Calabasas mansion-life) can serve as guidance for us all.
- Self-anointed Lord Disick of the House of Kardashian learned that siring three Kardashian-Kiddies did not make one immune to a ditching at the hands of Kourtney. She patiently endured him indulging in what seemed to be a weekly bucks party (without the wedding), multiple expensive rehab stints, an obsession with cars and loafers and ultimately an inability to resist a much younger ex-girlfriend. #gone
- Khloe’s ditching of Lamar Odom appears impressively prescient given this year’s highly publicised subsequent coma at the hands of a herbal version of an off-field performance enhancing drug, and miscellaneous pharmaceuticals in a seedy Nevada brothel. #comasarenotsexy
Take these celebrity breakup lessons as gifts and traverse your dating path safely.