Users of the Ashley Madison dating website have proved to be a fairly resilient bunch, having weathered some wholesale hacking at the hands of internet vigilantes intent on preserving the moral fibre of the online dating community. For those that are still intent on pursuing an extramarital affair online with a level of privacy, Ashley Madison has apparently plugged those security gaps and as your ‘do you want fries with that’ now offers a new level of obscurity via a tool to photoshop a mask over your profile picture.
Having hidden many a big girls night out behind oversized Jackie O sunglasses, I’m all for the concept of retreating behind something that covers half your face and all your vices. Not having trawled the online world in search of a secret liaison I’m less certain about what one would want in a mask for a profile pic. Presumably users are looking for something that might obscure their identity from colleagues/friends/spouses but not so much that you have no sense of the person. Although Ashley Madison currently only offer a single mask in black or brown, here are some suggestions for those who have a skerrick of photoshop ability and a desire for something a bit more creative:
Beer goggles
As a standard late night accessory to so many real-life liaisons, sporting beer goggles in a profile pic is a quirky way of turning the tables on the cliché and demonstrating both a sense of humour and insight into your bar-trawling habits.
Although a little Harry Potter-esque and likely to magnify those pesky crows-feet that the more mature daters may bear, beer goggs would be a decent trigger to some opening banter.
Batman mask
Never doubt the transformational power of a Batman mask. Everyone from once-pouty-now-puffy Val Kilmer through to funny-man Michael Keaton has been converted into a clenched jawed smouldering superhero. You are also declaring that you might possibly be of the smokin’ George Clooney, Ben Affleck version or the dark side Christian Bale.
Whether you stop at the jawline or go the whole costume which will automatically place a layer of latex abs over your dad-bod, you can’t go wrong.
Because Batman.
Hipster disguise
You may not know the difference between free trade java and organic raw cacao, but with this mask you can totally rock a hipster vibe. If you are of the more mature age-group you are going to appear completely unrecognisable to your mates given soccer dads and hipsters are mutually exclusive communities.
You will also find yourself particularly attractive to the cougar demographic of the extra-marital scene.
Venetian mask
Ashley Madison does not deal in subtleties, with their tag line of ‘Life is Short. Have an Affair’ being fairly unambiguous on intent.
Totally on point would be a mask that hangs something completely phallic right in the middle of your face.
Scream mask
This mask is perfect if you are looking for the ultimate in anonymity, and firmly establishes your demographic as someone who knows their 90s flicks.
You’ll declare yourself sympathetic to a slasher film which might strike a chord with fellow enthusiasts and it will weed out any prospects who are more delicate or still afraid of the dark.
Just don’t go here.
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